Schlink Attack: Getting One-Upped in Etosha

During our nine hour driving escapade in Etosha National Park, I thought I had a pretty good handle on my elephant viewing repertoire: three here, one there, and later spotting seven more elegant, gray creatures in the distance. Finally, upon exiting the Andersson Gate at 5pm, a group of four sauntered across the road single file. I felt pretty smug, until I saw a girlfriend’s Instagram account showing twenty around a night-time watering hole, babies included. I also read that Etosha is home to only about 2,485 more. I got royally one-upped.

I have to tell you, Etosha is HUGE. The white pan of nothingness is easily spotted from outer space. It would take about ten hours to drive across the park, and that is assuming you don't take any detour roads,visit the waterholes, or stop to pee. The place has something like 340 different types of birds, 46 of which are raptors. There's 144 different mammals, 50 kinds of snakes, and 134 different types of flora.

Whether you see any them depends on two big factors: water and luck. The best time to go is during the winter months, so June, July, and August are ideal. It's less hot, and with low precipitation animals are more likely to head to the watering holes. I say luck because most of the animals are not tagged, and also because visitors have a funny way of guarding "their" animals. They don't want to share their "secret stash sightings," yet remain irresistibly boastful of what they saw. For example, while we were photographing elands on the side of the road, another driver casually mentioned that he saw lions first thing upon arriving and gestured vaguely in the direction of where he saw them.

Most of the day was pleasant but boring, with short episodes of excitement. At one point we drove towards a large line of vehicles, each jockeying for position to see whatever was in the bushes. Naturally, we followed suit. Soon we saw two black rhinos that were growing increasingly agitated. I can't blame them. They were basically cornered with vehicles parked on two sides of the triangular piece of land. If a charging rhinoceros isn't enough to scare you, then you are insane. I know they can't see particularly well, but since our car was in its direct line of sight and only slightly larger than it was, I was convinced one swipe of its horn would do us all in. I think Mark's fear was already used up last year, when he had to untangle fencing wire from our drive shaft while elephants walked past, because he was happy as a lark. He snapped photos of these endangered creatures who ran towards the car. Whereas I, literally had to change my underwear. What were the kids doing? I don't even remember.

After that exciting drama, we found ourselves at another watering hole. We watched a giraffe stoop down to drink, enjoying real zen and beauty despite growing hunger pangs for everyone in the car. Shortly thereafter, we saw another fascinating sight: a man chucking large rocks and logs into the bushes so he could park his rental truck. You aren't allowed to be out of the car in Etosha unless you're at a rest stop, because: lions, leopards, charging rhinos, etc. He also had a flat tire, and we watched in utter confusion as he drove the truck into soft sand. Mark got out to help and found that the Swiss man and his wife had no idea they had flatted. They also had no idea how to get their spare tire out from underneath the car. So Mark showed them the secret hole at the back of the truck where the Allen wrench tool is inserted to release the tire.

Swiss Man broke his, so Mark grabbed ours. While our tool worked to get the tire down, it got stuck in the secret hole because Swiss Man had recently backed his truck into a pole. And, when he crossed the Namibian border, had his license taken away because he didn't have any money to pay the fine for losing both license plates in Botswana.

The kids and I watched Mark troubleshoot their mishap. We watched Mark slide underneath their car, getting his backside covered in the fine off-white dust. We watched him squat behind the car, muscles flexed in an effort to extract the stuck tool, which he did successfully. We watched Swiss Man's wife pull out a tissue and delicately wipe Mark's sweaty brow in obeisance. I had to change another pair of underwear.

On another detour, we followed a huge game drive truck and got stopped at a spot where several cars were log jammed. There was a leopard in the road and everyone was hell-bent on seeing it. I enjoyed the novelty, because how often do you get to see a leopard? However, other cars took it very seriously, swerving far left and right to get a view. They couldn't get one though, because of the game drive truck. One car opposite us insisted on driving in reverse. The driver behind us wanted to lay on the horn to make the other vehicles share the discovery. I could see his rage-y eyes and feel his impatience. Luckily no one cut off the nose to spite the face. Aside from engines idling, all was silent. Eventually, we all got our chance to see the beautiful creature.

Finishing up the day, we drove through a zeal of zebras where one kicked my car. We spied more birds, towers of giraffes, and of course the parade of elephants. We were spent. The kids were crabby, whining that they didn't want to look out the window anymore, Mark was hungry, and I had run out of underwear. It was time to get back to the lodge for a drink to celebrate the day's work of sitting on our asses.