Schlink Attack: Saying Goodbye Sucks

Friday, July 4, 2014

Saying Goodbye Sucks

For Independence Day, I learned what southwest Missourians consider macaroni salad: noodles, hard boiled egg, black olives, pickles, mustard, mayo, and a pinch of paprika for color. It was a food I'd never tried before. We had the good fortune to join another family for dinner tonight because Mark had to leave town for a family illness where ironically, he flew to southwest Missouri. The whole dining experience was priceless because the girls who made the macaroni salad used a family-created recipe and they eat it every Independence Day, along with something called "raspberry salad" (tart raspberry gelatin, raspberry fruit, marshmallows) and my favorite vegetable: pork ribs- dry rubbed and roasted. It's pretty hardcore, but there's nothing like a good dose of comfort food when the going gets a little sad.

Mark's grandmother has been ill for some time but very recently stopped eating and drinking, spending very few moments, if any, awake. Thankfully hospice has been managing her care at home which means the family can keep her company and allow for a peaceful transition. Not that any of this makes it any easier to deal with the death of a loved one, but... it's something, and from what I know about my grandmother-in-law, this is how she rolls. I am relieved that Mark could make it back in time to say his goodbyes and also to be the amazing pillar of support that he is to all of us.

Needless to say, life here has been more serious and somber than usual. I feel selfish even mentioning other other aspects of my life in the same blog post of a dying relative, especially since I try to keep my writings upbeat and oh hell- a little bit funny. Then I realized that since I've avoided writing anything going on in my life, I don't sort out my thoughts and feelings well. Effectively, I become a different and cantankerous person. For this I owe my husband a big fat apology. It seems then- the sad, boring, and unfunny parts are just as important as the ones with levity and joy.

So let's catch up in less than 100 words: Portuguese continues to challenge me mentally and emotionally. Physically too- when I get up from my chair, it's as if I've been riding a mechanical bull. I have five weeks left, and I will drag myself to the finish if I have to. Mark passed his Portuguese exam and started on the management leg of training. We seem to be eating a lot of chicken lately. Oh- and the kids are copacetic. I spend my evenings reading stories, building space shuttles, and chasing after a girl who thinks clothes are always optional.

As I sit at my computer, listening to the fireworks explode and smelling the sulfurous smoke drifting in, I've resolved to reflect on these past few weeks and settle my anxieties about crap that really doesn't matter in the long run. It's a sad yet momentous Independence Day and I am glad Mark's grandmother can spend one last 4th of July with the people who matter to her most. What I can do in return for her, is to remind her great-grandchildren about how crazy she was about them, and share memories of their earliest years: Time spent running around her house in circles while I had a heart attack they might break something (they did- she didn't care one bit), playing hide-n-seek in the closets, and enjoying the toys and $2.00 bills she always sent them for birthdays and holidays. There's definitely comfort in that too. Sweet Fran, you will be missed.