If you’re feeling deflated

While on a walk with the dog this afternoon, I saw an advertisement on the side of a van that made me head straight back home to get my phone to grab a picture. For non-Cyrillic readers, the company name is Charlie Sheen Mobile Tire Service. Amusingly, “sheen” is a Russian variant for the word tire, so fist pump for the double entendre 👊! 

acrobatics plus magic plus sex equals: Circus of Water, Fire, and Light

​I went to a circus this weekend, and honestly, it was pretty great. Aside from several macaws that would roll over for a treat, one yellow boa constrictor, and a falcon wearing a bedazzled hood, there were no other animals involved in the performances. Instead, the show featured acrobats, magicians, clowns, dancers, and jugglers over the span of exactly two hours and forty minutes. A front row ticket only cost 20 dollars, and it was easily the most thrilling, funny, and fast paced circus I’ve ever watched. And sexy too! Shirtless men, riding crops, chains, women dancing on water rockets, an aerial love story with teeth, straps and rose petals… the visual bounty was as impressive and intimidating. Drama! Excitement! Scaries! Funnies! Lasers! I can see why some youngins (and oldies!) dream about joining the circus.

Curious about how one does just that, I looked up circus school info. The New England Center for Circus Arts tuition costs about $17,000 per year for three years for development in gymnastics, dance, acrobatics, trapeze training etc. An 8 week clown course by Red Nose University charges $248 whereas Montreal’s Zani Clown 8-month course is about $3,200. Maybe a certificate of completion helps, but experience definitely does, so get ready to submit not only performance videos, but calisthenic videos too, head shots, and show ability to be a part of group work. Some talent agencies only allow non-union applicants, others do. In post-Soviet countries, a circus performer typically earns between $300 and $1,500 per month. Circus gig life is a real hustle, but man- it's magical too.

red rose and ropes romance

acrobatics in skinny studded jeans is hard core metal

white jeans white hankey in a handstand

we mayyy have inadvertently joined a cult

lemon brothers flinging each other off a teeterboard

and mayyy have watched S&M

mascot?

at the Metro, on the metro (but don't call it the metro)

Driving to and shopping at Astana’s Metro wholesale store (like Costco but without deliciously cheap pizza) requires a special kind of mental prep. From our house to the store, it’s a 45+ minute drive through honky, car packed streets with zero-warning lane closures. There’s drivers that simultaneously watch YouTube and video chat with relatives, or they stop in the middle of the road altogether to chitchat with a fellow motorist, even after the light turns green. The Metro parking lot reeks of abandonment with its drab, concrete Soviet-esque awnings, busted overhead lights, pothole riddled asphalt, and twisted chunks of broken drain grates.

The store entrance looks promising with smooth concrete floors, big carts, wide aisles, and stacked products ready for purchase- the more you buy, the bigger the discount. For example, one box of Oreos costs $3.25. If buying three boxes, the price is $3.03/each and six drops it to $2.69/per. Same goes for most products in the store, except alcohol, which costs the same no matter how much ends up in the cart. Shame. Moreover, because of the incentive, shoppers will open anything boxed or shrink wrapped to make sure they get their proper discounts. Doesn’t matter whether its a case of canned tuna, juice boxes, or mini chocolate bars, they will open and count out 1,000 Chupa Chup lollies before they all get counted again at check out.

The store is equipped with more than 18 checkout lanes, yet only 2 will be open. Trust that the 63 year-old babushka in front of the line who bought four yogurt cups and a candy bar will demand her VAT refund paperwork, and it cannot ever be completed in one motion, nor in one location. VAT receipts require phone calls, ID verification, your first born, and at least three extra forms with THE official stamp, and that’s assuming their system is online. The store suffers line jumpers, price arguers, and frozen product leavers. The restroom offers no toilet paper, no door locks, no soap, and no toilet seats. I’m not talking about squat toilets either. The seats are literally missing, a real bummer after a long drive.

Why do I bother with trips to Metro, then? I do get an excellent squat workout in the bathroom but it’s mostly because of their excellent frozen green beans. I buy multiple 2.5kg bags at a time to make up for our green vegetable gap - there’s only so much broccoli one can stand, no one in the family eats zucchini, and the asparagus here is fat, rare, and pricey. Metro gets bonus points for its other frozen bulk items like cherries, strawberries, mango, and fruit cocktail, also 2.5kg bags. You just have to be willing to pay for it. The raspberry bag cost $42, double the price in America. One time I got a bag of frozen avocado halves and giant frozen pretzels. I’ve not found since that one time, but the hope lives on. Metro sells huge chunks of fabulous KazBeef prime cut steak and the best corn tortilla chips in the country. The bags are American size big too! Totally could have gone for a nacho night, but they were gone too. However, I did get a 7/8ths full case of tonic water and 5/12ths case of tomato paste, no discount for me. Like a deal hungry babushka, I asked the checkout lady to see if she could unearth the missing items, knowing full well they would not be found. Saving six bucks wasn’t going to make my giant bill feel any smaller anyway. But when at the Metro, do as the locals do.

To make this day feel extra metro-focused, once I got home from spending big at the Metro, I also rode on the metro, the Tarlan Astana LRT - but don't call it the metro though, lest you get corrected immediately: it's the LIGHT RAIL,
PEOPLE.

When we arrived to Astana two years ago, our local colleagues were long disillusioned about it ever coming to fruition. Conceptually born in 2011, the metro should have opened in 2017, but construction only began that year so opening day wasn’t until May 2026. One ticket costs 43 cents purchased from a station kiosk with multiple language options, so zero mental prep was needed. The train cars are driverless and fully automated and the line hits 18 stations along the way, including the airport. The LRT is not anywhere near our house so I had to taxi into the city first and I could immediately see the appeal for those living near a station. Mall culture is a thing here (especially in winter) and I did just that- via the metro I went from one mall to another to purchase movie tickets to Spider Man. If my planning was better, I could have also caught a hockey game or soccer match (or speed skating race, velodrome race, basketball game, or a martial arts competition, there are like six arenas within walking distance), stay at a fancy hotel, and visit the famous Baiterek Tower all in one trip using the metro’s current, single line. Imagine what I can do when they finish building future metro lines by 2050… I’ll be 69 by then so I could see the need for mental prep to go either way, really.

tidy stacks make anything seem possible

complimentary vests for coldies 

social norms of wholesale shopping be damned

view from the LRT blue line (and only line)

pretend you're riding the metro, then ride the metro

Abu Nasr al-Farabi Mosque, named after a Shymkent
born philosopher who died in 951.