Captain Phasma Visits Sossusvlei

Caffeinated Phasma

Even a Stormtrooper Captain needs a vacation once in while. After several months of painstaking trials of soldier bootcamp I decided some alone time in the desert would be a perfect respite. Gussying up in my most casual chromium armor, I threatened a few tourists to take my picture against the famous Dune 45 in Sossusvlei. Ignoring the memory of Agent Terex's withering comments about my inherent whininess and apathy for the First Order, I took in the greatness of the iron-rich red sand. The desert's stillness spoke to me, emitting an energy all of its own. A girl could get used to this kind of stark harshness.

Unfortunately, the essence of my enemy never leaves. Literally. Hiking further up the dune, I encountered an inconvenient force who attacked me without provocation! One swipe of the lightsaber and the next thing I knew, I woke up face down in the increasingly toasty hot sand blowing into my nethers, and into the gaping mouths of the tourists I killed earlier. I realized it was the great Jedi Obi Wan Kenobi who ruined my vacation. I didn't even know Kenobi knew who or when I was. It's like I can't escape the shadows. It's an exhausting and lonely responsibility representing the will of Supreme Leader Snoke.  

I trudged down the dune and encountered an awe-inspiring colleague whose vacation was also ruined. Like a marionette, I saw Jabba's lifeless head hanging off his slug body with buzzards approaching. I said a quick prayer in Huttanese and stepped over his body.

I thought a bunch of dead acacia trees in a spread of dry salty clay would cheer me up. I made my way to Deadvlei by paying a small fee and hopping onto an NWR run 4x4 for the last 4km of sandy road, thinking I could spare myself the headache of getting my own vehicle stuck. Following the trail, I found Deadvlei and its nothingness along with a number of overwhelmingly enthusiastic, red-faced people taking selfies and poorly timed jump photos. Beyond them was Big Daddy, a dune of massive proportion, a thousand feet high. Unfortunately, I spied a Jawa and Rey lurking the premises, forcing my hand. I really didn't need another stabbing, so I turned back. I drowned my frustrations with beer and spent the rest of my day considering my career aspirations at the pool. 

Cheesy Phasma

Stabbed Phasma

Unconscious Phasma

Dethroned Jabba

Defeated Jabba

Considering lunch options

Deadvlei

Rey on the move

Jawa running and clawing through the pan

Beleaguered Phasma

Contemplative Phasma

Hungry Phasma